The 2015 Ordinary Synod on the Family has today reached an “Extraordinary” compromise between “liberal” and “conservative” factions, De Civitate has learned. Speaking under condition of anonymity, Fr. Xavier Rynne of Boston confirmed that Catholics who have divorced, remarried, and remain sexually involved – thereby committing themselves, according to the constant teaching of the Church, to a life of unrepentant adultery – will be allowed to receive the Eucharist, a major victory for a faction led by Cardinal Walter Kasper, which has emphasized the importance of “mercy” over “legalism” and “the Gospel of Jesus Christ”.
However, in order to win support from reactionary bishops whose obsession with obeying Jesus borders on the Pharisaical, the enlightened Franco-Kasper faction was forced to make major concessions to conservatives. Although not all agree: “I prefer to see this not as a concession,” said Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi, “but as a wonderful opportunity for irregular couples to learn a new language!”
Under the apostolic constitution ratified Tuesday morning, remarried Catholics may present themselves for communion at Holy Mass only if the Mass is said entirely in the Latin language, with the priest facing away from the people, using the medieval Tridentine Rite. They must receive the Body and Blood of Christ on the tongue, while kneeling, at an altar rail, may only receive if they have also received the Sacrament of Reconciliation within the past forty-eight hours, and will be strongly discouraged (like most followers of the “extraordinary form”) from receiving every week, or even every month.
Immediate reactions are mixed. “Two steps forward, one step back is better than no steps forward,” wrote Michael Sean Winters of the National Catholic Reporter. “It’s past time progressive-minded Catholics started paying attention to the burgeoning Traditional Latin Mass movement, and this gives us a great opportunity to start looking at ways to support that movement. After all, if the TLM is exploding in membership and interest despite the huge demands it places on its supporters, then how much more would it grow if we got some Marty Haugen tunes into the TLM hymnals?”
Reached for comment at his confessional, Fr. John Zuhlsdorf, resplendent in camel-hair vestments, remarked, “Repent! For the day is at hand!” ate a locust, and then asked this reporter, “Seriously, are you here for confession or what? And how can you even tell what I’m wearing from behind the screen?”
The Society of St. Pius X has issued a vigorous condemnation, but, Superior General Bishop Bernard Fellay noted in his statement, “To be fair, we were going to issue a vigorous condemnation no matter what.”
Marianne Duddy-Burke, executive director of DignityUSA, cancelled plans to release a statement of her own, saying, “Bishop Fellay pretty much covered it.”